Totally Useless Fashion Advice

All right, I know that any fashion advice you get from Instyle.com is probably...unreliable. I read it for the kicks. But I do have sort of an issue with the recent bikini slideshow. Take, for example, the props they give to Mischa Barton:

"Mischa Barton has picked the skimpiest combo of the classic triangle and string bottom. She’s wearing it straight across her hips, which proves that you don’t have to pull the leg line high to make legs look long."

Um, guys...Mischa could wear ANYTHING and make her legs look long, because her legs ARE long. Also, her thighs are about the size of my wrist. The fact that she's wearing a bikini straight across her hips proves nothing. Also, Mischa, I can count your ribs. Please go get some boardwalk fries or a scoop of ice cream.

Next?

“Kirsten Dunst is a pale girl with red hair and a pale yellow suit—she’s probably doing what you’re not supposed to do, but I love it! It’s very retro and fun, and the cut is perfect—it couldn’t fit her better.”

So how does that help us, the reader looking for fashion advice? "This is what you're not supposed to do, but look! Kirsten can do it!" I don't know if they want to say "Kirsten can do it but you probably can't because you're not Kirsten! Too bad for you." or if they want to say "Kirsten can do it and YOU CAN TOO!" Either way I think she needs to stand up straight. And Kirsten, go with Mischa and get some ice cream.

Next?


"Jessica Alba has picked a great suit in terms of her age and personality— it shows her coquettish side. Simple hair and bare feet are nice complements to the rest of her."

Jessica Alba is toally way cute, and I love the picture and I want her swimsuit, but guys, seriously. OF COURSE she's wearing simple hair and bare feet. What ELSE would she wear? A tiara? Her Manolos?

Next:



“This is a great example for all the girls who want padding—you don’t need it! Kate Hudson looks great from head to toe—she’s not trying to make her chest look big. A straight top with a straight bottom is very flattering on any shape.” If this is the "You don't need it!" of padding, I'll take padding. Just because she's a celebrity doesn't mean this actually is a flattering look. That is all.

Finally, props to J. Lo who looks Normal and Healthy, like she eats occasionally and has muscles, too, and has a nice swimsuit in a nice color that she is neither falling nor poking out of.