How Not To Woo Fair Maiden

1. Start pillow-talking before you know her name and before there are even any pillows involved.
2. Ignore the fact that she has a boyfriend
3. Invite yourself over to her place
4. Invite yourself over to her place and tell her that you will permit her to make dinner for you
5. Invite yourself over to her place and tell her that she is also permitted to order out, if she doesn't feel like cooking.
6. Chalk up the fact that she ignored you for months to the simple fact of female forgetfulness.
7. Tell her that her religion, and by extension, she, is no fun.

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A few months ago I spent some time getting rid of a persistent admirer (and I use the term "admirer" loosely) at a certain place I like to dance. It started off innocently enough, because he was a good dancer, and I was having fun, as I do when I dance. We exchanged numbers, since we had known each other over the course of a few dance classes.

But later that night our "So, how long you been in DC?" evolved (or devolved) into (loosely recalled):

Him: You are so beautiful, I just cannot take my eyes off you.
Me: Ummm...Did I mention I'm seeing someone else?
Him: You are, like, the only person in the room. No one else matters!
Me: I think I have to go now.
Him: You do not want to take a chance with me?!
Me: No. (as I try to wiggle out from my chair and head for the door.)
Him: No, no, do not leave, here, I will go to your apartment with you.
Me: ...Um, no, you will not.
Him: I don't want to DO anything, you know, I just want to sleep holding you! I just want to get to know you!
Me: I like to get to know a guy over a cup of coffee, NOT by inviting him to my apartment when I don't even know his name. And not, for Pete's sake, by sleeping in the same bed. Good bye.
Him: You just don't take risks! You are missing out on life! You need to allow yourself to love!
Me: (leaves)

I shuld mention that somewhere in there he blamed my religious beliefs for the fact that I "don't know how to take risks!" To which I answered, "I lived by myself for 6 months in the Middle East. Don't talk to me about risks." (Never mind that those six months were conspicuously risk-free, it did shock him into silence.) The whole conversation took about 10 minutes, and my opinion of him went from "Nice guy, good dancer" to "Creep, I'm leaving."

The next day he called me and said, "I just keep thinking about you! I need to see you. I will come to your apartment tonight, and you can cook me dinner."

No, really, he said that.

And I shrieked, "What?! I will make YOU dinner?! If you're so keen on dinner, make your OWN dinner!" And then he says, "Well, you could order out! I don't know how to cook!" And I just...couldn't...fathom...so I said, "I am not having this conversation anymore." And I hung up. The next day he called again. I picked it up just so I could hang up on him again.

Three months later: last Monday. I run into him at a Halloween shindig. He approaches me and says (I am not making this up):

"I haven't seen you in so long! I thought you forgot about me!"
...
Mister. I didn't want to sleep with you. I didn't give you my address or invite you to my place. I didn't even want to talk to you. I yelled at you over the phone. I hung up on you. Twice. I didn't call you. Ever. I. AM. NOT. INTERESTED.

I wonder if his method works on any other girls? Do girls really go home with strangers who say, "I just cannot take my eyes off you! Make me dinner!" Seriously, does this work for him? Because I don't know a single female soul who wants to hear that.

Turns out that he's a little notorious for being obnoxious. Turns out he uses that same line on a lot of girls. So seriously...does this work? Didn't he suspect that if you use the same line on every girl, eventually the girls TALK to each other and figure that out? Could I have been any more obviously not interested? IS THIS GUY FOR REAL?